About Me

I'm an Arts & Humanities and Creative Writing student with an interest in journalism and a passion for writing. I often create newsletters, zines and articles that vary from deeply informative to humorous. Below is a selection of articles I have written over the last few years in my current employment.

As Expected, Temporary Queue is a Disaster

The decision to have a clothing stunt during a pandemic, which has resulted in half the city descending upon a clothing store, has required a reshuffle of the queue layout.

Hungry Homer's Café, currently closed to the general public, has found a second life as an elaborate queue system to keep the horde at bay.

The queue snakes back and forth at least eight times around an obstacle course of chairs, tables and condiment trolleys. It has been called "a cattle pen", "a social distancing nightmare" and "the store's secret shame".

One customer, who waited almost three hours in the queue, was confused when he walked up to the colleague at the homeware section and was asked for his collection code.

"Collection code?" Asked the gentleman, who looked up at the sign. "Isn't this the queue for the King Kong Ride?"

Work of Art Discovered in Warehouse; Turns Out It's Just Bad Binning

A patio set has been found stacked haphazardly in a warehouse bay usually reserved for much taller stock.

One art critic described it as "a sculpture that challenges the established norms of warehouse binning" while another said it was "a contemporary criticism on both the physical and mental burden carried by the frontline workers during the pandemic."

A colleague raised his safety concerns to on-again-off-again health and safety champion Johnny Spock, who replied that the configuration did not contravene chapter 6, section 8.2 of the employee handbook. This excerpt of legislation states that if there is less than a two finger gap between the stop of the stock and the shelf above it, then it was considered to be good binning.

In a further alarming plot twist, Spock revealed that he himself was responsible for the dubious binning.

Local klutz Bonnie Ann Clydesdale is the bookie's favourite to be injured. However, there are some who hope that karma will strike, and it will be Spock on the receiving end of an accident form.

Stock Team At Each Other's Throats After Movie Debate

A conversation around films nearly lead to a huge falling out in the stockroom this week.

Ludicrous statements such as "Steven Seagal doesn't know real martial arts", "80s films are crap" and "The Terminator isn't the greatest film ever made" were thrown about.

Jock, Shaun, Danny, John, Matt and Stu then engaged in a deep discussion in to the dilution of films, from a narrative art-form to just a bunch of guys jumping away from explosions.

When one member of the front of house team was asked for her opinion, she asked "Wait a minute! There were five colleagues and a manager up there? I was having to man three tills by myself!"

Extravagant Art Appears in Store

A new art addition to General George's General Goods was briefly on display on the warehouse's computer bench a few weeks ago.

The environmentally-friendly, free-standing structure was carefully created from paper, cardboard, cans and recyclable plastic on a busy Saturday afternoon. While the downstairs team had their backs to the wall, screaming for help, high-fives and cheers were exchanged by the stock team.

"It is truly my biggest accomplishment in my life," said Matt MacRonald.

One of his colleagues commented on it looking like a rocket ship, representing a stockie's desire to break free from the confines of the warehouse. Another described it as being a childish statement of masculinity.

"Meh, I've seen bigger." Said one member of the salesfloor team.

Experts Called in to Catch Stockroom Bird

There was drama in a catalogue shop stockroom a few days ago, when a bird was seen causing all sorts of chaos and distractions in the aisles.

The bird, identified as a small robin, fluttered majestically above the dusty bays and unsafe shelves of the warehouse.

Despite their best efforts, the team on hand failed to capture the winged rodent. Louis Caffrey, 18, attempted to catch the bird with a crude trap involving a cardboard box, some glue and a wooden spoon. A witness described the contraption as "like something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon".

Caffrey was unable to see the plan to the end when someone shouted over to him "Louis, get back to work — those home delivery orders aren't going to pick themselves."

In a last ditch resort, the branch recruited the services of an expert team who specialise in 'catching all kinds of birds, especially robins and pigeons.' After days of hunting and no robin in sight, the bird-catching duo conceded defeat. When asked to comment, Mr. Dastardly and his mutt declined, saying they were in a hurry because they had a race to compete in.

Missing Boy Fails to Turn Up For Shift At Catalogue Shop

There has been deep concerns about the whereabouts of a boy from North Lanarkshire, after he was declared missing.

Richard "Dick" Grayson failed to turn up for his shift at General George's General Goods last week. His boss, Oswald Cobblepot, said it was very uncharacteristic of him to not show up. "Sure, he would often appear tired during his shifts, as if he had been up all night. But I don't even think he's phoned in sick once since he started working here," his line manager squawked sadly.

Grayson's adopted father Bruce, who took guardianship over the young acrobat after his parents were killed during the tragic accident at Strathclyde Park a few years ago, said he hoped he could be found. He also added "because I can't do this thing by myself", what ever that means.

In other news, the search is still on for the missing Robin in the store. Police Commissioner James Gordon said at a recent press conference "unfortunately, it looks like we're now looking for two missing boys. One is young, short, skinny, very athletic and has brown hair. The other is young, short, skinny, very athletic and has brown hair. Oh, and he wears a cape."

Border Town's Best Month Yet

There were jubilant scenes in a small borders town on Saturday, as a Galashiels colleague put through the store's record fifteenth sale-saving code of the month, something which had not been done this financial year.

The eruption of joy was so loud that it travelled as far as Strathaven, where one resident said "I heard a loud pop—I thought a plane had flown in to one of the windmills."

With Fort William increasing their previous SFHD sales by 103% and Oban not far behind on 58%, the myth that stores which are on the outskirts of Glasgow or close to high population areas has finally been debunked.

Whatever Galashiels did differently in Period 8, they should keep doing! It may only have been a single code they bested their previous record by, but it is also the third consecutive month they've increased SFHD. Nice one, team!

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Last updated 2nd March 1998